Have you ever thought that if you completely disappeared no one would notice, excluding my family whom I live with? I feel like that…
As if the people who you associate with and call your friends wouldn’t even realize that you’ve been missing?
Everything has become a big go through the motions, smile when jokes are made, hug hello and goodbye, make idle chatter, and BAM friend hangout time for the week time card has been punched.
I have a quota for myself, if I’m social this much then I’m trying, blah blah. But I’m not really there.
And then I wonder, Is this no longer my group? Do I no longer “fit in” with them? Or am I on te back burner because im still adjusting to my different way of conducting life? Is it all in my head? You can’t exactly ask someone, hey because I’m super conceded and everything revolves around me, have you noticed that I, once a key aspect of our community, no longer matter or are involved?
Yeah no. Because that is too honest even for me. As much as I would like to be bold enough to admit that I have that much ego, as of yet I will continue to blame my newfound place in our community as a sign, a fluke, or a hint of the change to come.
If someone was to look at me and ask why I was pretending I would, I believe, respond: I am wallowing in my selfloethe and pity and letting myself be depressed but hiding the truth from myself by pretending to be involved. Maybe then they could respond: well your hearts not in it, your not trying, and everyone can see that physically your here, mentally you are far away, and that is why you have been lost in the crowd.
That would clear a lot up for me. Unfortunately, only will I be able to fantasize about possible conversations leading me to a clearer imagine of what is actually occurring. Only be able to because at this point no one would bother to observe me long enough to realize my play acting is rather poor.
OCintheRed 