Pill Poppin

If theres one thing I ate, it’s taking those big-ass vitamins [[pernounced vit-a-min; not vite-a-min]] daily.
But if there’s so something else I hate, it’s being paranoid and thinking I’m vitamin deficient. which I really think I am.. it will be a year in a few months, and my hair hasn’t grown at all, and I don’t drink milk so I lack calcium, and I’m pretty sure I have an iron deficiency [[because of the red hair and blacking out and what not]]
Thus, I’ve decided, to take vitamins daily. Three a day. They aren’t like the huge horsepills, which I would not take anyways, but I just gotta remember to take them.
And see a change. Which I’m pretty sure I won’t see. I think it’s more of a stop-taking-the-pills-and-feel-look-think-like-crap-and-notice-that-they-were-working-all-along kinda thing, which of course is just silly. But thats life.
Just silly.

To keep with the path of my healthier diet I’m going to try and minimize my exposure to dairy.
I am lactose intolerant and frankly I feel like shit all the time.
I’ve cut it out of my diet before, and low and behold, I felt great. SO I went ahead and purchased some vanilla almond milk [[ because I have enough estrogen to make a football team pms and I don't need more from the yucky tasting soy milk]]
It doesn’t taste that great. Well in my coffee. It’s okay. But I miss half-in-half and I miss my hazelnut creamer. They were so very delish.

Wardrobe

I’ve been scoping out my clothing choices as a recent and I realized I dress like a 17 year old, or a lesbian. [[not that I have anything against lesbians except looking like them]]
Now my 15 year old sister steals my clothes all the time and maybe it’s the giant head of gorgeous flowing hair or the thin fit body of hers but I’m pretty sure it’s her fashion sense that makes her look a-maze-ing always.

I’ve gleamed two things from this, one, my clothing suits a 15 year old, and two I have some awesome pieces in my closet.

I also have a ton of stupid lame clothes that I need to get rid of but I’m addicted to wearing so that’s not going to happen.
It’s pintrests fault really, they have all these super cute outfits and I just end up feeling guilty. I wear jeans [[ baggy, skinny, nothing flattering]] and a tee-shirt [[ sometimes an old baby-doll shirt that looks like it's from hollister]] and chucks or vans and a jacket. Period. thats my wardrobe. I. am. disappointed. with. myself.
Once upon a time, I wanted to be a fashion designer, it makes me laugh now, ME!? a fashion designer? Hahahahahhahaha. I have as much fashion sense as a cow. Which sometimes I resemble in the mirror.

I was thinking to myself…

Because I like to have possible conversations with people in my head.
I was responding with a clever retort to something a fellow employee said about him not knowing my name [ he did know it, he said that he had said my name a few times, but at that time he looked at my name on the paper and responded with who is that, while I was standing in front of him]
Anyways, I said, in my head, Oh Chris, guess what I did when I went home? I wrote in my diary that you had said my name. In which I imagined another employee to chirp up with it being possible and I concluded to be offended and respond with, I don’t have a diary, and if I was being serious I would have said I blogged it.
At this point my day dream halted.

I just realized, as sad as it is, that I treat blogging as diary writing and that I would openly dish on the web and view it as reasonable.

WHAT THE EFF!?

It’s true though. I write nothing creatively, rather a journal of my thoughts and feelings at a particular moment. How very sad and totally lame.
So very lame.

But:
I’ve been watching a lot of television, most on my computer, but a lot in general. These are on my current watch list.
Dexter: Explains itself. A little less climatic as last season, but still good.
Panam: Fan-frickin’-tastic! Amazing everything, although last episode didn’t continue any of the newly opened story lines.
Suburgatory: Pretty much the OC. It’s hilarious and close to home. Dying laughing.
New Girl: Super cute, super fun, lighthearted, reminds me of myself, naturally, I <3 it.

Right now I’m downloading Once Upon a time, which I hope will be good. I’m interested in Terra Nova and Grim as well. Too much tv. Way too much. But I do love it. <3

I just fell in love.

A poem for that which has captured my heart:

Your white glass surface gleams with beauty,
Your louder that 3g speakers brings tears to my eyes,
Your voice capabilities make me want to spend all my days with you.

[ A crappy poem.]

Oh 16gb white iPhone 4s, I love you<3

Stalking…

I have a problem. It’s just unhealthy.
It started with myspace, I never stalked people before that, and continued to grow to a whole new level of stalking with facebook. I mean, the information is just so accessible…
People I have little or no contact with I’ll stalk a little, like it’s a fun game or something.

But low and behold, I deleted facebook and joined the more private and no exs on it google+. The problem occurs when I began to fancy someone who comes into my work on a regular basis.
He’s a cutie. And when he wears his work attire,damn, he’s flippin hot.
And I know his name… Jonathan. It’s perfectly plain. [[ I know his name cause they have to write is on their order sheet.]] Well he gets lunch quite often, at least on a weekly basis. And apparently he only visits when I’m working [[ And even though I know I pretty much work all the time and statistically speaking unless he's getting dinner it's highly likely I'll not be working , I like to pretend he comes in when I'm working because of muah!]] I’ve compiled a list of information I’ve been able to take from just seeing him. 1.) I’ve never seen him with a girl. 2.) He must live in or near Newport. 3.) He likes the dodgers [ from his apparel] 4.) He has a nice job [Or wears a suit for fun...] 5.)[ this one is very important to be] He hates ranch. And mayo. [Um I hate it too.]

Side note: The like one time I’v actually been able to chat with him we talked about why no ranch and that it’s disgusting and all that jazz. And he said that it was nice for someone to finally understand his pain [ Me! Ah! So excited! i understand his pain! Yessss! ahah...uhg.. I'm pathetic]]

6.) He has an iphone. 7.) He has beats headphones [ which I saw him wearing today, they are expensive, I don't know how to take that information] 8.) He works out a lot. A lot a lot.

So what to do with this info!? Well normally I would use it to better stalk someone, but I don’t know his last name, and my feeble search engine attempts have been pathetic. And his personality doesn’t really coincide with a heavy internet user [ fb, yelp, google+, twitter] which makes him even more hard to find…. So then I have to get to know him better by actually talking to him!? WHAT!?
This is why I’m sad. I believe that I’ve lost the ability to approach someone without knowing too much about them. God help me. This is pathetic.
AND: if I do approach him again [ more than just giving him his food cause I'm too shy...] How do I know if he has any interest? Because I can’t tell for the life of me if anyone does… He’s one of those really genuinely nice people. It’s horrible. I can’t tell if he’s smiling at me and telling me to have a good weekend because I’m cute or because he’s just a awesome human being. [[ Although him being a totally nice person is definitely a reason why I'm totally crushing hard.. Considering how not genuinely friendly my ex was... ]]

Side note: What also freaks me out, I’m totally in a different like class almost, or education and pay scale, and I can’t facestalk his page and reassure myself that he has friends who might be similar to me. What the eff. So I’m definitely not feeling like my usual confident self. although my stompy boots help and that i’ve lost weight.

But beside from thinking he’s just being nice, he was smiling at me!!!!:D Yay!
And totally told me to have a good weekend! Were making friendly exchanges!:]
Too bad I literally woke up 30 minutes before work so I 7 minutes to get ready and I looked like crap at work and he was the first customer to seeing my fugly face of the day. But he still smiled:)) A few times! I am kinda cute. I mean, even if your not interested in the way I want him to be interested doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard to not smile back at me. I’m pretty contagious.
But he smiled first ;] Ha. I one. unless he’s just being nice. then i lost.

OH WELL, at least I’ll have my sunshine at work. Maybe only once a week, but it sure does make that day better. I do adore being stupid and giggly. It’s a very old feeling, haven’t gotten to “crush” on someone since like high-school. Dumb. I’m dumb. But I’m a blushing cheshire grinning dumb girl. Haha Wee.

Technology makes me lazy.

I just texted my sister, who is in the room next to mine, to text my cousin that I just emailed her my schedule.
Sometimes I feel like things get out of hand.
Other times I feel like this is great.
Is it wrong to text someone instead of taking 10 seconds to go over and talk to them?
Am I the only extremely lazy person? I really think not.
But it’s a little ridiculous.

In the safety of friends

Have you ever thought that if you completely disappeared no one would notice, excluding my family whom I live with? I feel like that…
As if the people who you associate with and call your friends wouldn’t even realize that you’ve been missing?
Everything has become a big go through the motions, smile when jokes are made, hug hello and goodbye, make idle chatter, and BAM friend hangout time for the week time card has been punched.
I have a quota for myself, if I’m social this much then I’m trying, blah blah. But I’m not really there.
And then I wonder, Is this no longer my group? Do I no longer “fit in” with them? Or am I on te back burner because im still adjusting to my different way of conducting life? Is it all in my head? You can’t exactly ask someone, hey because I’m super conceded and everything revolves around me, have you noticed that I, once a key aspect of our community, no longer matter or are involved?
Yeah no. Because that is too honest even for me. As much as I would like to be bold enough to admit that I have that much ego, as of yet I will continue to blame my newfound place in our community as a sign, a fluke, or a hint of the change to come.
If someone was to look at me and ask why I was pretending I would, I believe, respond: I am wallowing in my selfloethe and pity and letting myself be depressed but hiding the truth from myself by pretending to be involved. Maybe then they could respond: well your hearts not in it, your not trying, and everyone can see that physically your here, mentally you are far away, and that is why you have been lost in the crowd.

That would clear a lot up for me. Unfortunately, only will I be able to fantasize about possible conversations leading me to a clearer imagine of what is actually occurring. Only be able to because at this point no one would bother to observe me long enough to realize my play acting is rather poor.

Oh to be a foolish girl

Have you ever had that moment when you realized that your going to end up really hurt, really really hurt, but the simple pleasure of the attention that you craze so dearly clouds your vision completely?

Bummer.

Dear ex-ex, you suck, and my everything is bruised [[not literally speaking]]

Dear current ex, I don’t want to be friends because it hurts to see you. And I do not want to help you with statistic homework.

Have you ever had that moment when things hit the fan and your like eff… I had tricked myself so well that my emotions were under control… LIES. very pathetic lies.

My simple baby life, but I’ve been through “stuff” before. Just like everyone else. We all have in our own way. And life seems hardest when I’m emotionally compromised. Workin’ my ass off at work, at home, at school.

Always keep trying to hardest. always.